DEOLALI MUSINGS: “WHEN I WAS COMMANDING”

DEOLALI MUSINGS:  “WHEN I WAS COMMANDING”

I was recently goaded by a friend to write something about army life. That is when the idea struck me to write something different. 

The piece’s title would be very familiar to those associated with the Armed Forces. For the rest, it is a jargon often used to reminiscence your good old days. This is also a special quote to tell others how good one was at his job: Better than others. ‘To Command’ means commanding troops of a Unit or a Battalion. It is a special privilege which is usually given to officers who have reached the ranks of a Colonel (Army), Group Captain (Air Force) and Captain (Navy) and above. This does not mean that officers junior to this rank do not Command. They do, but usually, it is not an independent command. However, the term is generically used and is not related to any specific rank.

Ladies have a very special place in the Armed Forces. They receive respect irrespective of their spouses’ rank and seniority from all ranks in the armed forces. While this is true with all the ladies, it is truer with officers’ wives. This privilege epitomizes the saying ‘Behind every successful man stands a Woman’. The Armed Forces are perfect breeding for such successful women. A Commanding Officer’s wife is usually bigger in stature and size than her husband. No pun is intended in the word size, even when taken literally. The popular thought says she has better command and control traits than her husband, purely from a personal experience at home. The roaring ‘Tiger’ is usually a meek mouse at home. (‘Tiger’ is the code word for a CO in the Army) He is used to getting commands and has an excellent track record of obeying them, especially if he has reached such a senior rank. No passport verification is required here; his antecedents are proved impeccable. With such perfect stock under Command, Mrs CO is a Queen in the Ladies’ Meet or a ladies’ function of any Unit. She commands not by hands or gestures but through a sheer look and shake of her head. Mostly such meets are well planned and rehearsed; hence, there is little chance of anything going wrong. But even god has failed to satisfy a woman, and Mrs CO is no exception. Such is the power of the senior most lady that a look could bring pin drop silence in a gathering of hundred women. Only if the husband could see the act would he readily emulate the example. This is not to say that there are no gentle examples in the family of the fairer sex in the Armed Forces. There are, but they are usually shadowed by the next in line, who tend to take up the role of the ‘Queen’s Hand’ (An expression inspired by the famous web series Game of Thrones). Thus, the breeding ground always throws up a willing candidate in this Game of Domination. 

Once in Command means always in Command. A CO’s wife gets the maximum attention from the young officers, who are usually circumspect in her presence. They love her as she is the only one who can admonish the CO, in some cases even publicly. Mrs CO is not oblivious to the attention she gets in an officer’s mess, which almost reveals her dominance in all spheres of unit life. The beauty of getting attention once is like the tiger tasting blood. You want it more. But like all good things, it does come to an end, and then only memories remain.

Not to be undone, the memories serve a greater purpose of teaching others. Sometimes to juniors and sometimes seniors. Yet the most emphatic lessons come out for equals, which is where the phrase inadvertently comes out. ‘When I was in Command, I did this. The problem with equals is no one listens while everyone talks. Best of such advice and lessons are more relevant when planning for an important function or a party. The unanimity of thought is a rare achievement amongst human beings and rarer amongst the fairer sex. The best option in such a situation would be a top-down approach. The problem is the top may not always be well endowed to give a plan. Planning is a command function usually arrived at through either consensus or an advisory board. Both have their pitfalls in terms of a clash of ideas. Whose idea is the best is a difficult judgement. Usually, it depends upon whose voice carries more weight. On one such occasion, the Commander’s wife was heard commenting, “ But is not the fashion to have Keto diet?” A suggestion which was promptly picked up. Later it was found that the ‘Chief Guest’ who was expected to eat a keto diet asked for regular snacks as she was hoping to gorge on them as a binge day. The rest of the ladies had to finish the Keto Snacks (read fruits). Now that’s an experience worth narrating later in life.  The hush-hush chatter suggested that many felt that their years of experience had been ignored, and that’s when one realizes that the phrase, ‘When I was in Command, does carry some weight. The ability to think and lay out a course of action can only come if the person has had an experience of the situation. The show of ladylike emotions on rejection in such an aftermath is natural and needs to be politely ignored. Only the other day, someone narrated an experience to me. Here is the narration.

There was a reunion to be conducted in a Regimental Institution. One of the crucial functions was the conduct of the Ladies club, which a very senior lady from Delhi was to preside over as the chief guest. After a month of planning and multiple meets, the menu for the tea post ladies club was still not sealed. A consensus could not be reached, for the chief guest's preferences were requested but had not been received. No amount of calls to Delhi by the Staff Officer was bearing fruits. Finally, a curt message came: ‘The chief guest is a simple lady, and she would like a simple menu’. Nothing could have been more disastrous. Simplicity in the Army is like what Sarojini Naidu said when she was the President of the Indian National Congress. She had wittingly remarked about Gandhi Ji; “It costs a lot of money to keep this man in Poverty”. She had meant it well as Gandhi Ji was very particular about cleanliness and hygiene. Rural India in those days was well endowed with the instruments of clean living. 

A meeting was planned to define the simple menu. All the experienced ladies were invited to contribute so that a consensus could be reached. Everyone was given a chance to speak. At the end of the meeting, the discussions were back to where they had started. Many of the suggestions were preceded by the expression: When we were in Command (‘We’ is purely out of politeness), we had pastries from …and samosas from…. The blanks mean either a Star hotel or a high-end bakery. The august gathering was unable to define a simple menu. Finally, a junior lady amongst them came up with the most brilliant suggestion. She suggested that the chief guest be served Idlis. Everyone asked why Idlis. Prompt came the reply, ‘When I was in a unit in … station, the chief guest who was a CO’s wife then, and was confronted with a similar situation. No one could decide the menu for the ladies’ function. She then suggested let’s have Idlis because we are commanding South Indian troops and their wives, and let the chief guest get a taste of our culture. That had sealed the argument. The complete hall burst out into claps and laughter. The proposal was carried through successfully.

Finally, D day arrived, and everybody from the first lady downwards was tense. The excessive sweat was not helping matters as it also took the layers of make-up with it. Nobody remembers what happened in the function. Everyone was eagerly waiting for the reactions of the chief guest in the dining room. Idlis were served in extra hot Sambhar. The chief guest turned to that junior most lady and said, “ Mrs … where is the Dosa? Did you not tell them that when I was com… the South Indian Regiment, what was the favourite dish?” There was pin-drop silence in the dining hall, and even the nondescripts were hiding behind their empty plates. The chief guest then burst into a laugh and indicated she was just cracking an old Joke with her old friend Mrs … I am famished, and what better than Idli -Sambhar. The entire gathering burst into claps and peals of laughter. The Idlis were a hit and immensely enjoyed by the chief guest. 

…